Ultraman

原帖由 Maggie 於 2008-1-11 12:53 發表



I suggested it and he wouldn't go...  Thanks for the info though.

Why he wouldn't want to go? Cuz only people have real problem won't realize/admit they have problem!
And that is the problem you have to deal with alone lor!

blueprint

Sorry to hear what is happening to you Maggie. I thought that "lai gum" is between both sides' parents.  Nevertheless, like what others here have said that the problem is not solely about "lei gum" anymore.  I think you really have to arrange another heart-to-heart talk with your fiancee about your feelings, your worries.  Let him know that you know where he stands at, but it doesn't do anybody good to not making any compromises.  It doesn't do you and him any good if can't be on the same page.  Hope you guys can cope with it in the end, where no one feels like to nurse a grievance.

slamdunk6

sorry maggie, if like u said, u really "love" this guy so much, and you have been spending your last 7 yrs for a relationship which mean so much to you, then all these "lai gum" issue that everyone talked about here is just wasting of time.  if you think this is the man u like and willing to spend the rest of life together, then just explain to your mom that u will marry this man no matter he pays lai gum or not, and let your mom know what you think and end all this trouble.  actually, u guys can go get marry in vegas and get this done once and for all.

Maggie

原帖由 slamdunk6 於 2008-1-11 23:39 發表
sorry maggie, if like u said, u really "love" this guy so much, and you have been spending your last 7 yrs for a relationship which mean so much to you, then all these "lai gum" issue that everyone ta ...

As many people said here, it's not about the money, it's more about respect.  Either way, not that I am a perfect child, but I can never see myself "betray" my mom that way.  Yes I spent 7 yrs with this guy, but my mom spent 25 years raising me; she has sacrificed so much for me.
I understand if you have horrible parents, of course you wouldn't care about how they feel; what you want and your happiness are the most important.  But my parents aren't like that so it's impossible for me to see myself disregard my parents' feelings.
Getting married is a big big thing.  I take my marriage very seriously so I want every single aspect of it to be perfect.  Isn't that wonderful if you have your parents' most sincere blessing and everyone is happy from the bottom of their heart?

slamdunk6

honestly, maggie, i don't know how happy is yr mom when she knows u r marrying a guy which never shows up in a chinese new year day visit for last 7 yrs, as you are talking about the happiness of your parents.  if she let u marry this guy, then she knows what a son-in-law to be expected.

but then maggie, if you really wanna help, there is something you can do and it's called "good lie"

#1, either tell your mom that since yr bf (or his family) is not from a wealthy family, and you guys need to buy your own housing after the marriage, pls let her understand the situation that yr bf will have to save those $ just for yr own future usage.

#2, you pay out the "lei gum" from your own pocket and tell your mom that they are paid by yr bf

blueprint

hm.. how long can the good lie last? From the way Maggie's fiancee act about chinese traditions and stuffs, look like it's an ongoing issue if trying to cover for up for him.  I mean... what about every chinese new year and he wouldn't show up?   Keep on covering up for him?

Maggie, I know you want the wedding to be perfect.  Who wouldn't be?  But sometimes may have to compromise a bit.  In this case, your fiancee suggested $100 as lei gum. It's a start.   

Maggie

Lying is something that I wouldn't do for sure... it's just too sad that my marriage has to start with a lie and it's just too frustrating for me that I have to remember what I say to each of them making sure that there's no contradiction... It won't last long...

He threw out that $100 thing just to insult the tradition coz I told him that my mom is not selling daughter; it's just to show gratitude that my mom has raised me for the past n yrs and such.  Then he said well if it's not about $$ then $100 is more than enough coz my mom doesn't deserve any... (he originally said $10)... pissed me off so bad... he just refused to understand and respect it...

You have no idea how much I already compromised in this relationship to a point that even his mom told me not to "let him get his way" so much...  I personally do not mind if he is just "taking advantage" of me alone as I love him.  However, I can't "disgrace" my parents by allowing him to look down on my parents like this.

Ultraman

Maggie, ask yourself deep in your heart, what do you want to do with this relationship??

utopia

Sorry Maggie,

If my man ever dare to do that to me (throwing out $10 buck) , I will break up with him on spot because he is not just insulting me but insulting my parents. End of story.

It doesn't matter how much you love him. I mean, one does not know how to respect others, he does not deserve the respect from others too.

If he hates being a Chinese so bad, tell him to be Michael Jackson the second.

It's in his blood that he is a Chinese. His fate that he cannot run away from.
I have no idea why he hates being a Chinese so bad.

Honestly, if he looks down on Chinese tradition and look down on your parents and you, I wonder how he stand strong in front of white community.

It's almost like a joke that a white guy try to stay black in the black community.

If he is so self-center, I cannot imagine how you can have a successful marriage with him. Just imagine how much issues will come across in the future with him. Kid's future? He probably will forbidden his kids to ever touch Chinese,then, isn't it?

p.s. Sorry if my tone sounds so mean but I"m so choke when I heard he initially throw $10 buck...................out

LOK

I still don't understand why the 禮金 is so important.  
I still think 禮金 = 賣女.

If the parents love their daughter, they will be happy if they know their daughter found a good man, instead of thinking that "oh, this guy only give me this much for 禮金, must not really love my daughter...".  Why so many ppl weight love by $ ?