"Lai Gum" Gum, Lai, quot

Maggie

Who is supposed to pay for it?  The guy or his parents?  When should this be discussed and when should it be given to the girl's family?

Does the girl's family have to give something to the future in-law family?  What and when to give?


These things are sooooooooooooooooooooo troublesome... sigh...

Alcoholic

If the guy can afford it, of course it's best for him to pay.
if the guy needs fianacial back up, then he should discuss with his family for help.

Nobody ever really will have the 2 familys sit down & talk about this properly. why? cus' 講錢傷感情 & is awkward nowdays. usually, you as the bride should kinda know how much your parents are expecting from the groom's family. once you get enough clues/hints on the amount, you should go to your fiance & tell him, so he can either take care of it himself or let him discuss with his family.

the 禮金 should be given on a day where your fortuneteller tells you to.

the girl's family need to give back partial portion of the 過大禮 things back to the guy's family. again, when you do it, depends on what dates your chinese fortuneteller asks you to do....

Catpiano

Are you getting marry in Canada??  or HK .. or China ?

I dont think you need to pay 禮金 in Canada wor ..

Ultraman

原帖由 Catpiano 於 2008-1-5 22:22 發表
Are you getting marry in Canada??  or HK .. or China ?

I dont think you need to pay 禮金 in Canada wor ..

Huh?! Why 禮金 is not needed in Canada?? Even in HK, some of my friends didn't pay a dollar 禮金 at all bor! I think it's not because of HK or Canada or what, it's depends on your wife's family lor! Hehe.....

Alcoholic

少少都要既~ 因為係我地中國習jook~
unless you're doing it entirely western...then the girl's family pays all

Maggie

My mom is a traditional Chinese mom, and all her friends got lai gum when their daughters got married so of course, she is expecting something... the thing that bothers me the most is my boyfriend is CBC and got the idea that "this is Canada and we don't do this Chinese shxt" even though her aunt got lai gum when his cousins got married and his mom told him to do so...
My mom isn't "selling daughter" and she said this is "from heart"... but my boyfriend is really stubborn... the most annoying thing is, my mom nor myself didn't bring up this problem, his mom did, but yet, she is not going to help... (she told my bf who has no respect for Chinese traditions at all to give, but when he refuses to, she is not offering help...) and all these times, I though it's a "tradition" thing so it's between the parents, not my bf and my mom.  And now, my bf is "mad" at my mom for expecting lai gum from him (which is ridiculous in my opinion)...
This getting married thing is so annoying to a point I don't wanna do this anymore... sigh... either way, what is my role in this?  I don't even know what to do...

tsumorichisato

Maggie,

the negotiation of "lai gum" is a very difficult process and it's simply impossible to follow the exact tradtion.  Who should be paying (the groom, groom's parents or even you n' your fiance together) is just debatable. You should at least know how much your mom is expecting before doing anything. You may need to take this slowly in order to persuade your fiance about this wedding "tradition". I know some "guai lo" also give "lai gum" to the chinese bride's family cuz they understand that's the culture. You said your fiance just can't accept this for what reason though? Maybe he doesn't know how much he gotta pay and this can throw him out of budget?

Your role now is to explain what's the purpose of "lai gum" to your fiance. Cuz your mom is going to buy you jewellry for 嫁妝...

Don't question whether it's needed or not. When your mom is expecting it, the answer is explicitly a YES - you have to do it. The amount can be negotiable but it doesn't mean this can be waived.

婚禮從來不是兩個人既事﹐是兩家人既事﹐禮金先至開始﹐唔好唔開心﹐好多人都經歷過呢D野架

[ 本帖最後由 tsumorichisato 於 2008-1-6 19:18 編輯 ]

Maggie

The reason why he wouldn't do it because he thinks it is like using money to buy someone's "happiness" or "approval" which is stupid... He totally understands that this is a tradition... I told him it's not about the amount but sincerity... he said he will give my mom $100 and he's very sincere about it... I am so so so mad... I also told him that my mom would use that money to buy me stuff and buy him gifts in return, and he said he doesn't need my mom to get him anything so don't need to bother...  so wanna strangle him
He never respect Chinese tradition; he even said he hates to be Chinese coz the tradition is so stupid.  He refuses to visit my mom for Chinese New Year and my mom was so upset... (We had been together for 7 yrs now and he never did it once.)  He told me for Chinese New Year he doesn't have to say good things to his parents, his parents simply leave the lai si on the table and the kids just go grab it...  Yet his mom told me that she is a very traditional mom... I am so speechless...
Is it rude if I talk to her mom about the lai gum problem since she's the one who brought it up and didn't teach her children traditions...  I know it's a must to give my mom lai gum no matter what... I feel so shameful about the situation... sigh...

koala

You should talk to your fiance...if he loves you, he should make things easier for you, at least try to compromise some chinese tradition...e.g. visit your mom in Chinese new year.....marriage is not just between you guys, but it is between two families. If he insists his way...you will be so unhappy in the future..... Back to topic, i think it's kind of weird to talk to his mom about the Lai Gum....just like you really want the money....which is not your intention!!

Alcoholic

then sorry to say Maggie, but your fiance is pretty immature to be honest. marriage is not just about him & how he thinks, it's about uniting you guys AND your families. it's about time you talk some sense & respect into him