myversa

Maggie, you are going to marry for life.  For two people with different cultures to marry, they have to respect each other's cultures.  Your problem now might be only 禮金 but in the future, it might be more.  such as different way to teach kids.  He might forbide you to teach your kids Chinese since he does not like Chinese culture.  

It's not good for you to talk to his mom about 禮金 but you can ask a third party which is mutual friend of both family and try to talk to his mom and see what's his mom position on all of this.  But I think it's better to try to convince him and chaned his mind on this.  Tell him since you respect his culture but ask him to respect yours too.  Otherwise, there will be more problems in the future too.

Maggie

Thanks everyone... that's why I am still calling him my "boyfriend" because I am too scared to get engaged with him and I have already told him that we will not have kids coz it is going to be really bad...

His mom is very friendly and had been nice to me... but I think she doesn't know anything about parenting... over and over again she tells me she is a very traditional person but yet, she would accept that his son wouldn't even greet her for Chinese New Year which is a big big day for us Chinese people... she did take all her kids to Chinese school but yet she would speak English to them at home and allow them to "give up" Chinese as they will... also the level of respect toward parents is just unbelievable.  My bf would yell at her and she would just laugh; when she is trying to "teach" him, he can just walk away.  No punishment for such behavior whatsoever... I would never ever have the guts to do that coz I know my parents will be so pissed that I don't want to deal with the consequence.  I think she is the type of mom who is scared to upset her kids...  One good thing (probably the only good thing) about her parenting style is that all her kids have really very high self-esteem because the parents are so proud of them (even though I don't find there's anything to be proud of...)  This high self-esteem leads to selfcenteredness and lack of consideration for others esp. when my bf is the youngest of the four (and I am the oldest...).  My bf parents (the both of them) had told me that I have to accept the way he is coz that's him... but when you know that there's a problem, as parents, aren't you supposed to at least try to fix it?  Just like any parents would teach their kids to share even though not all kids are born with that personality...

The thing that upset me the most is that this problem was brought up by his mom and aunt, not my mom, and my bf is mad at my mom for even considering taking cash from him; he thinks the Chinese tradition is all about greed... And all these times he thinks my family treated me bad which I disagree.  My parents teach me responsibility so I am expected to do things (like taking care of house work, younger brothers, giving parents $$ for household expense) for my family.  On the other hand, because he does not have a sense of responsibility, he thinks I am mistreated... sigh...

I am not scared to talk to his mom as I have known her for many years and we have a pretty okay relationship...  She is the one who tells everyone that her son and I are getting married (when I told her that I may not want to...) and set this up for me... I think if her son refuses to do it, she should step up.  I feel so shameful that I don't think I can marry myself off without having lai gum to my parents... I know it's not about the money... but I can't help feeling shameful and guilty for not "respecting" my family... sigh...

dkam22

feel so sorry for u maggie. wedding is suppose to be a happy thing!
but sorry to say.. i kinda think it's ridiculous for your bf not to visit your mom in chinese new year and stuff like that...

it's not like that you and your finance gonna be separate to your family after u married ar.. more like you two family become a big one....

tsumorichisato

Maggie,

Just based on how you describe him, I'm sorry to say that he's totally not the  good "husband" type of person. He may be a perfect bf but simply pretty far away from being your husband. If he doesn't respect his mom, how can you expect him to respect your family.

I'm not saying age must = how mature a person should be, but to me he acts completely like a teenage kid!!!

You guys need to sit down and think it through "why you both wanna get married?"
Marriage is not just 2 people living together under the same roof. There's not just sweet talk anymore, but there are compromises and responsibilities involved. He may not be aware at the mean time but you gotta let him know about that.

AmericanBeauty

原帖由 Maggie 於 2008-1-7 12:48 發表
Thanks everyone... that's why I am still calling him my "boyfriend" because I am too scared to get engaged with him and I have already told him that we will not have kids coz it is going to be really bad...

This reason alone is a good enough reason for you to put this whole marriage thing into a pause and re-examing what you are getting yourself into as suggested by a few other people.
Getting married is about bringing two people's lives together.  If you cannot even agree on what to do about the wedding with your fiance, I don't see how you two are going to be able to work things out in the future!  Do not hope that things are going to get better after you two get married, 'cause it will only get worse.  If there is a problem between you and your boyfriend, address it now!  By no means I want you guys to seperate or anything, but it is not an uncommon thing for engaged couple to find out that they should not get married during their wedding planning stage due to the inability to resolve various issues that arised during the process.  In the best case, the couple would learn a lot about each other which is going to help the marriage in a long run.  Marriage is for a life time, and you deserved to be married happily - and in the way you want it (That should be a woman's preprogative in my opnion!!)!  Time to sit down and talk!

Maggie

In my case, do you think my bf's parents should pay for the lai gum instead?  Since my bf refuses to do it (with no respect regarding Chinese tradition whatsoever) and his parents think it's something that should be done.  It's not my mom's fault that my bf is not educated with Chinese traditions even though his parents are "very traditional" and I think my mom should get credit by receiving lai gum for raising me in that past 20+ years...

jumptiger

Maggie,

Base on your description, I can see that there are a huge difference in value between you and your bf. I am surprised that you have even considered marrying him in the first place. Having said that, I don't think your bf should get the blame for not acting according to your/ traditional Chinese standard. Everyone is brought up differently and everyone can use the own method to educate their children. You may think that it's not right for him to yell at his parents but they may think that open communication, even if yelling is involved, is more suitable for their family. You may think that we as chinese must respect traditional chinese culture but your bf does not necessary need to think that way. The key to every relationship is communication. You two need to discuss the issue together and work out a compromise. Instead of asking your bf to just give in and pay a certain amount, why don't you find out a figure that is acceptable to both parties and work out a resolution? I am not too familiar with the proper amount but your bf did offer to pay $100, right? I think that's a good start. At least he's giving in for you already.

Remember, getting married is a life-long commitment that involves mutual respect, understanding, and love. Notice that "mutual" is the keyword here. You need to respect his will as much as he needs to respect yours!

Good luck and I hope this issue can get resolved soon!

Ultraman

Honestly, maybe it's a little too late to reconsider if your "bf" is suitable to be your husband.... ! I think it's not the issues of "lai gum" or how much the amount should be..... blah blah, it's about "respect". Not necessarily limited to different cultures but in general situations. I know some white guys married to Chinese gals and they do really respect (and actually enjoy) Chinese cultures, they even wore Chinese costumes and served tea ceremony on the wedding day! So?! You "bf" is just a CBC, not even a white guy, his background is surely a Chinese, can't deny. The point is, he doesn't even respect to his own background/mom/family, how can he respect you/your mom/your family??! Sigh.....

jumptiger

原帖由 Maggie 於 2008-1-8 01:44 發表
... I think my mom should get credit by receiving lai gum for raising me in that past 20+ years ...

If you think that you mum should get credit for raising you in the past 20+ years, shouldn't it be you, or both you and your bf together, thank her for her kindness instead? Again, I suggest talking this through with your mum and your bf, finding out an amount that works for both parties, and settling the issue ASAP. Good luck!

Guy

禮金 screw it...

my family  will never pay those 禮金 to anyone