Ultraman

原帖由 jumptiger 於 2008-1-14 13:25 發表


I am not picking side but I don't understand why $10 is disrespectful when $999 is? What is the "expected" amount? Who determine that value and how?

For example, if you are being invited for a formal wedding banquet in a 5 star hotel, how much would you pay for the money gift or wedding gift? $10 for money gift, or anything from a dollar shop? Whom and how to determine the reasonable value?

Maybe you're not familiar with Chinese custom too. Actually there are some particular numbers that many Chinese believe are lucky. And there are different numbers to be used in different situations. The number "9" is the most common one for used in weddings or to describe a good and sweet relationship between two. Therefore, a "lai gum" should be in the amount that includes "9" or only includes "9"; and the more "9" the better. Basically, a $9 would be way too less (don't think about $0.9 tim la), also a $99 would be too less; and a $9999 would consider a lot (which not too many people are willing to pay or afford to pay). Therefore a $999 or $999.99 would be considered a reasonable and sincere and pleasant figure that many Chinese families would be happy to accept lor.

tsumorichisato

Maggie,

I think I start seeing the big picture now. Maybe you haven't realized/faced this problem because the dating stage doesn't involve too much with both sides of familes. You love him to an extent that you are willing to accept him not liking the chinese culture/traditions. However, it's coming to marriage and it's no way for you to avoid it.  Yes, it's a very sticky situation.

If we all here forsee there will be problems if you both are married and why don't you try  to take a step back. Why you want to marry with this guy so much? Seriously.. you don't have to tell us and please have an answer to yourself. If after all deep thoughts and you still wanna marry this guy, then don't care about the traditions anymore. Cuz you know this is a never ending argument and it's doing no good to your relationship. You may be looking to a solution that can be beneficial to both sides, but apparently NO (unless you keep lying to both sides). You have to go either one way or another.

Maggie

原帖由 LOK 於 2008-1-14 12:36 發表

That make sense to me now.  Sometimes, when you buy a present for gf on b-day or anniversary, maybe a few hundred dollars too.

And if he's so white washed, did he use 3 months of his salary to buy y ...

This is why I am still with him...

On one hand he treats me really good (at least that's why he thinks)... the only things that he won't "compromise" are issues related to my family.  The majority of the time that we fight has to somewhat related to either my family or his (our families have known each other way before we dated as we were from the same church).  When we are with each other we are usually happy... and when we fight (such as Chinese New Year, greeting my mom when he comes to my house to pick me up (which he thinks is not necessary... sigh... ), he is always mad at my mom for being so "demanding" and "expecting so much shxt" that makes us fight all the time... and the more we have fights over these kind of stuff, the more anger he has toward my family...

He got me a 1.03ct (my birthday is March 1) engagement ring from Tiffany, and it's higher colour... He bought it in Sept. and I still haven't accept it because still have troubles working out the problems that I have (and we are "supposed" to get married on Nov 1).  I had to reject him when he proposed because I was too worried that things can't work out...  He's so mad at me and he doesn't understand why "I can't separate the two" (between the way he treats me and the way he treats my family) which, obviously, makes him more "mad" at my parents.

I told him when he first talked about wanting to get married that he has to talk to my parents first.  He did (fight again coz I told him to bring some moon cake (around mid-autumn time) or fruit or something when meeting my parents but he refused to insisting "there's nothing wrong with visiting your potential in-law to let them know that he's marrying their daughter empty-handed"... I was sooooooo mad and just left T&T myself then he finally bought moon cake "die die gas"-ly... He met with my parents when I was working so I wasn't there... According to my dad, he was shaking his legs the whole time and his attitude was not so friendly... according to my mom, he was just there to "notify" my parents that he's marrying me...  Of course, in front of my parents, I have to defend him as his Chinese isn't good and he's nervous so he's shaking his legs... In my heart, however, I do know that what my parents said may not be entirely false because I know him...  My parents, since only met him less than 30 times in the past seven years and never had a real conversation with him, felt that they want to know him more before they are able to happily see me marrying him.   Yet, because they respected me and they do know that I have known him for a long time, wouldn't "stop" me from marrying him.  I think my parents are being very reasonable and so I would want them to be proud of my choice...  That's why "lai gum" issue is so important to me as I really want them to believe that I am marrying a decent guy (even though there were several episodes in the past and left my parents very bad impression of him...)

Sigh...

utopia

OMG,

he only met him less than 30 times in the past seven years ?!?!?!

If I am your parent, I will be extremely worry about what kind of man my little angel is marrying to...................... shaking his legs in front of the potential mother and father - in law?????

Sorry, I know Tiffany ring is expensive but given the way he treated your parents...... I'm speechless..........

maggie,

May be I should share this experience with you. I remember so clear about this childhood scene. My dad was "black face" entirely on the trip visiting my grandma on the transit....and absolutely not "friendly" toward my mom's family at all.

HOWEVER, when he was with his family, he is happy and smiling and always don't want to share with my mom's family................................

Then, I remember so clear....... I was only in elementary (grade 2?) , my mom told me sadly "daughter, in the future, when you get married, remember to pick a husband that treat your family nice too. Treating you nice but not treating your family nice is not enough because he will only make you suffer btwn both side"

Since then, I have one strong standard for picking a bf. My boyfriend has to treat my family well or else I will never marry him.

LOK

Maybe your parents are too traditional, when I was with my CBC ex.  I NEVER bring anything to her family during Chinese new year, Mid-autumn fest, or even New years, x'mas.... I was always empty hands.  Her mom still like me so much, lol.

And I kinda stand on your bf's side on this -> "I can't separate the two" (between the way he treats me and the way he treats my family)
he marry you, not marry your family.  If i were him, i would just break up with you or 拍拖 forever lor.

utopia

Maggie,

I just get confused about the definition of marriage in your boyfriend's mind.

Isn't it marriage is also about merging two family into one? Or he wants to have a complete separate family with you. If that's what he wants,  should wants you to disconnect with his side of family??? And you two become complete stranger to each side of parent? Is that what he wants??

Even with the western culture, one still need to have a good relationship with the wife's parent, is it not?

I am sorry, just the more you revealing how your bf treats your family. The more I found it's totally unacceptable in my personal standard. Even in western culture, the daughter side parents would like to have a good relationship with the son-in-law, isn't it? I remember my co-worker always tell me (which he is a 100% Canadian), he won't let his daughter to get marry so soon because she is his angel. He wants to keep his daughter until she is 35...... and he will make sure he approve that man to be her husband..........

big_tooth

原帖由 LOK 於 2008-1-14 16:51 發表
Maybe your parents are too traditional, when I was with my CBC ex.  I NEVER bring anything to her family during Chinese new year, Mid-autumn fest, or even New years, x'mas.... I was always empty hands ...

Lok, if he is treating Maggie so well, he should realize how important her family is to her and respect them the same way she does.

It didn't sound like Maggie's parents were asking for stuff, it was Maggie's way of showing respect to people.

big_tooth

原帖由 Maggie 於 2008-1-14 16:30 發表



This is why I am still with him...

On one hand he treats me really good (at least that's why he thinks)... the only things that he won't "compromise" are issues related to my family.  The majority ...

So why are you still with him?

Maggie, if you do decide to marry this man, be prepare to lose your family.  And it is not going to be because your family doesn't like him.

blueprint

Maggie, like quite many of lyk members said, why still with him?  

1. you can choose him over your family and your own values
2. you can choose family and your own values over him
3. just keep waiting for miracles (that he will side with you willingly)

Personally, I'm amazed that you thought of marrying him.  Because both of you are so not one the same page.  Marriage is a solemn commitment that lasts a lifetime.  Think and think carefully.

Maggie

原帖由 utopia 於 2008-1-14 16:38 發表
OMG,

he only met him less than 30 times in the past seven years ?!?!?!

If I am your parent, I will be extremely worry about what kind of man my little angel is marrying to...................... sha ...

Utopia, was your dad like that before your parents got married?  Is there a reason why?

My bf keeps saying that my parents treat me poorly. (According to his definition AND comparing to how his parents treat him... maybe.  But of course, I don't think so... my parents are just typical traditional Chinese parents and I totally understand what they are doing and why they behave in a certain way.  It's just that we are raised in extremely opposite families so our values in terms of respect and tradition are so different.)  Of course I explained to him why what my parents did is not as horrible as he thought, but he wouldn't accept it...

Sigh...